


Hell Froze at My Feet

by firecube



Category: Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-09
Updated: 2016-08-09
Packaged: 2018-08-07 17:01:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7722613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/firecube/pseuds/firecube
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kurogane was relentless, and Fai had always used that relentlessness as an excuse to allow himself to get close.  He had always been weak.  And he still was.  He had no intention of making Kurogane leave.  He was born a fool, and he would die one, if indeed the universe had enough mercy to allow him the relief of death.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hell Froze at My Feet

**Author's Note:**

> Whew, I am SO relieved to have my internet access back. I hardly ever get it outside of a ten-minute-a-day break in the library at school, so I had to spend the WHOLE summer getting behind on all the great stories I had been reading… Thank the Powers That Be for flash drives that let me read on my laptop when I get home. That’s really the only reason I’m happy to be back at school. Why can't I go to Horitsuba??? RL is cruel.  
> -  
> Aaaanyways, please note: suicidal thoughts/actions, self-mutilation, and general grimness. And the erotic blood-drinking scene (let’s be honest, I’m totally obsessed with vampire!Fai) makes this fic NSFW.  
> -  
> Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoy! :)  
> -  
> -  
> -  
> Edit: I’ve fixed the discrepancies where I had mentioned Fai’s ‘eyes,’ changing that to singular.

_crashing through the walls_

_you’re the one I want to see_

_bent all up on a moon-soaked night_

_death is riding with me_

_dripping blood with_

_hell froze at my feet_

_use a razor blade to cut some lines_

_because now I’m going to speed_

“Halloween” – Mastodon

 

***

 

Fai curled into himself more for comfort than for warmth, but there was no comfort to be found. He stretched himself back out, letting the ice-cold bathwater torrent onto his feet.

Tiny drops of blood were still on his hands. Sakura-chan’s blood.

A desperate sob welled up in his throat, and he hoped that the beating sound of the water stifled it. Kurogane needed to stay _away._

He rubbed harshly at his hands and face, at the dirt that he was born with that could never be washed away.

All he had wanted was to keep from hurting anyone else. And Sakura-chan, the one who had given him so much undeserved happiness, the one who understood him without having to understand what he was, the one whom he _loved like a daughter_ …

Fai’s way of expressing love was to stab his little girl to death.

His brother. King Ashura. All of Ceres. Syaoran-kun. Sakura-chan…

Destruction followed in his every path. It was only a matter of time before Kurogane fell victim to it as well. Fai hoped the warrior understood that now.

He felt a long familiar ache of loneliness and want begin to tug at him, but refused to take any action to ease it.

(He used to hug a pillow to himself in sleep, imagining that he could love and be loved without fear. He used to awaken in the dead of night, rubbing up and down his own arms in an agonizing need for affection, imagining a strong pair of hands, the right one calloused from an almost perpetual grip on a sword. He used to cradle himself in the bath, imagining a baritone but loving voice telling him that he was beautiful. He used to stroke himself in privacy, imagining red eyes and tan skin and something that he could never have, coming in a stifled whimper and always feeling ashamed and all the more alone for it later. He used to be pathetic, he used to be foolish, and he still was, but he had learned his lesson.)

There were times when he thought that the journey would continue like it had been forever. He would teach Sakura-chan how to draw and cook and do things to make her smile. He would offer Syaoran-kun support and advice in his search for the feathers. He would love Kurogane from a distance, and enjoy what he dared to take.

But then there was a world where acid fell from the sky and children lost their souls. Fai should have died there.

And now they were returning to the world where Fai once thought happiness lived, where a King went mad and Fai still had two promises to see through.

Fai should have died a long, _long_ time ago.

He had tried, but never hard enough.

He didn’t intend on keeping his promise to King Ashura, there was no way he could have. He dare not even think of it.

But the promise to his brother was different. It was a farce, Fai knew it. He knew that his brother was dead, and no one, no matter what power they held, could undo death. But he had promised to give back that life he had stolen – that promise was too precious to let go of. It was really the only thing Fai _could_ hold on to.

So he couldn’t kill himself, back out on the promise that could never be fulfilled. But meeting his death by anything that could be considered an accident would be a completely different matter.

Kurogane was supposed to hate him for that. Fai thought that perhaps he could use a reminder.

Fai hated himself. He hated himself for all the destruction he had caused. He hated himself for not doing something about it sooner.

Fai should be dead. He should never have been born. If he had not come into existence, the real Fai’s birth would have been a normal one, and he would have lived.

He could only _try_ to die passively, but physically hurting himself was something that could easily be achieved.

Fai liked to cut himself. It was really only a selfish thing, made him for just a moment feel as if he were somehow atoning for his sins. There was no way he could ever atone. He did it for the feeling it gave him in the moment. Just like how he allowed himself to get close to Kurogane, because of the euphoric feeling of temporary connection. If had had truly loved Kurogane, he would have stayed far, far away.

Kurogane had first caught him doing it in Outo. (Outo was some kind of turning point for them. It was when Kurogane started to catch so many things, started to care about things he shouldn’t have. Outo was when Fai thought he must be in love, so that false world must have been the one in which Fai ultimately screwed the man over and sealed their grim fate.) It went without saying that the warrior was angry, and Fai thought he must have been rather disgusted too. It had upset Fai, not that Kurogane had barged in on something so extremely personal, but that Kurogane would think badly of him. In the moment, he didn’t stop to think that he was supposed to _want_ Kurogane to think badly of him.

He hadn't cut himself since then. Kurogane was vigilant, and there were so many situations in so many worlds where they had to undress in front of one another. It had been far too long. Fai missed the feeling. It was comforting in its own way, and comfort was something Fai needed right now. He didn’t deserve it, because how comforted must his dead brother, his mad King, his little girl feel right now?

But Fai was selfish.

There was a small pocketknife he kept in his pants, because all types of unsavory characters wandered the streets of Infinity, and Fai would rather not draw attention to himself by extending his claws. Knives held to jugulars sufficed in the majority of encounters.

Fai reached across the tiny bathroom for his dirty pants, forcing himself to ignore the blood as he retrieved the knife.

It was a cheaply made thing, old and rusty, but it was sharp. He sliced a nick in one of the thick veins running blue down the inside of his wrist, bleeding for all the blood in the universe that should have been his.   Not Sakura-chan’s. Not his brother’s. It should have all been his, every last drop.

But Fai was a vampire now, thanks to Kurogane. The nick closed up before he could shed more than a single red drop.

Fai was angry at what Kurogane had turned him into. The others didn’t understand how his senses had changed. The hyperawareness of his sole prey was something perverse. He could hear the blood running through Kurogane’s veins, and the mere thought of consuming it made his mouth water and his toes curl. Fai hated this. He didn’t want to drink, but not drinking caused his strength to rapidly wane, allowing Kurogane to easily overpower him, and the smallest amount of the warrior’s shed blood drove Fai into an animalistic madness. He didn’t want that either, so he drank daily. But Kurogane invariably had to suggest it first. _Asking_ for blood was something Fai would never do. It was Kurogane who had asked for this.

Frustration took hold of Fai, and he cut into his wrist with abandon, but his skin healed itself faster than he could slice. A wrathful hatred washed over him, and he clawed at his face with vampiric nails.

Something smelled delicious, and it brought on a great hunger than mixed in with his rage. _Give them back!_ he screamed to himself. _Give Fai and Sakura-chan back!_

“ _STOP IT!”_

Fai wasn’t in a state to acknowledge the voice, or even the smell that had grown unbearably close. When his wrist was seized, he lashed out with one hand while continuing to claw his face with the other.

Strangely, it was Kurogane’s blood that brought him back to his senses. He stared deliriously up at Kurogane’s face, which was one part anger and three parts something akin to horror. Five claw marks decorated his cheek, dripping the bright red liquid Fai so craved.

They stared at each other for a moment, Fai making no offer to take any action besides swallowing deeply, his suddenly dry throat making a harsh click.

The bath was running over, Fai thought dumbly. Kurogane reached over with his free hand and turned the faucet off, keeping his eyes locked on Fai’s.

When Kurogane tried to lift him up, Fai snarled and tried to twist out of his grip. Kurogane needed to stay _away._

Fai wasn’t expecting Kurogane to bash their foreheads together, staggering with weakness at the sudden impact and giving Kurogane the opportunity to sling him over his shoulder and stomp across the hall into Fai’s room.

By the time Kurogane threw him down on the bed, the old rusted frames squeaking in protest at the bouncing impact, Fai had gotten ahold of himself, scrambling onto his knees to shove Kurogane back across the room before yanking the sheets up to cover his naked body.

Kurogane only gave him a castigating glare, snatching a long shirt out of Fai’s drawer and walking back to the bed to hand it to him.

Fai could imagine what he looked like now. All signs of the wounds he had inflicted upon himself would be gone now, but he could feel his lips pulled back in a vicious fang-bearing snarl. His eye was surely golden and slitted like a snake’s, both from anger and from being so near the blood of his prey.

He let his nails return to their normal length and took the shirt from his hands, thinking that maybe if he calmed himself down Kurogane would be satisfied at that and leave him be.

Kurogane looked off to the side while he unwrapped himself from the sheet and pulled the shirt on. Only six months ago, Fai might have blushed at receiving such shy respect. Now he would have felt much better if Kurogane treated him like the trash he was.

“What…” Kurogane began, ominously smooth, reaching over to set a lone chair at the edge of the bed so that he could sit at eye level, “did you think you were doing?”

“What did you think _you_ were doing?” Fai asked in a low, callous tone. “You had no right to barge in while I was in the bath, Kurogane.”

Kurogane leaned forward so that his face was inches from Fai’s. He had a red mark across his forehead from the head-butt he had dealt. The gashes in his cheek were deep, and blood was running down his neck and under his shirt. Fai licked his lips, and wanted to bite his tongue off for it. He leveled a shaky gaze back up into Kurogane’s eyes. The man’s voice dropped to a more dangerously low level than Fai’s had, but it was far from flat. “ _You_ had no right to do that to yourself.”

How did it come to this, Kurogane owning his life? Why would he _want_ to own something so useless?

_Why couldn’t he just die already?_

“ _Fuck_ you!” Fai spit, trying his best to be cruel, trying his best to make Kurogane hate him, trying his best to make Kurogane want him dead. “It’s my –”

Kurogane clapped a hand over his mouth, and Fai fought the urge to bite down, feeling like a cornered rat.

“Shut up. The kid and the manjuu are asleep in the living room. Do you think they need anything else today?”

He removed his hand, and Fai found himself letting out a taciturn scoff. “I’ll _never_ stop hurting everyone around me, Kurogane. Don’t you see that by now?”

“The Princess _loves_ you. You made her _happy._ ”

“And look how _that_ ended. Do you think she’s happy now?” Fai rejoined with a matter-of-fact iciness.

“It hasn’t ended. We’re going to save her. We’re going to save _us_.”

Fai looked away, tilting his head slightly so that his damp bangs would shield his eyes. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“You’re not the center of the universe, you idiot.” Kurogane’s voice was morose, with a trace of something… almost like fondness, but that couldn’t have been it.

“You’re talking nonsense, Kurogane.”

“Everything that ever happens is the sum of _everyone’s_ actions. The slightest of hesitations, the minutest wavering from a set path, _anything_ that _anyone_ does has an effect on the future, no matter what fortune that future holds.”

Fai raised his eyebrows sarcastically. “You’re a philosopher now?”

“Words of my Princess,” Kurogane shrugged. “I didn’t care anything about it at the time, but now that I’ve met you and the kids, and after all that’s happened, I’ve realized how important it is. You can't blame yourself for every misfortune in the universe. Hurting people by doing _that_ is the only thing you’re guilty of.”

Fai exhaled sharply. Kurogane really didn’t know anything. “How would you know what I’m guilty of?”

“You’re guilty of being damn difficult.” Kurogane sighed, leaning back in the chair and looking at Fai for a long moment. Fai wasn’t sure how to think of that look on the other’s face, but it caused a twisting pain in his chest, so he blinked his gaze away.

“What is hurting yourself going to solve? All of us are in pain. Even if you don’t give a shit how I feel, what about the kids? How do you think they would feel about you doing that to yourself?”

Fai shrugged. “What they don’t know won't hurt them.”

“Bullshit. That’s the exact opposite of what you’ve been telling me the whole time I’ve known you.”

“I haven't told you anything.”

Kurogane was suddenly back in his face again, just when Fai was managing to get his instincts somewhat subdued. “I’m not going to sit here and go in circles with you. I think you’ve forgotten that _I_ am responsible for your life now. It’s no longer yours to throw away.”

Fai scoffed, pushing himself further back on the bed in attempt to get away from all that blood – such a small distance wouldn’t make a difference, really, but Fai wasn’t sure how much longer he could control himself. “You’re not being sensible, Kurogane. Something like that can't kill me anymore. Thanks to that profound responsibility of yours, I’m no longer _human_.”

“One of these days, you’re going to learn to stop arguing with me.”

“On the day Hell freezes over,” Fai spat, wanting Kurogane to give up and _leave him be_.

“Your Hell _is_ frozen over, isn't it?”

(There’s a valley overlooked by a steel grey sky, where there exists no magic, no time, no warmth, only snow and dead sinners and a dark tower that pierces the clouds. And a cursed pair of twins. Bodies pile up and never rot. Nails are ripped loose from his fingers because he can't hold on. He can't reach his brother. He is all alone forever. He wants so badly to die, because forever is such a long time. But surely this is Hell. In that case, there is nothing, nothing beyond this frozen valley.)

Fai let out a muted whimper, finding himself unable to respond. The universe would probably be saved if he had stayed in that Hell, and he hated himself for not being able to genuinely desire to go back.

“Hey…” he heard Kurogane’s voice grow into a soft hesitance.

“Don’t bother,” Fai forced himself to exhale detachedly. “It’s only the truth.”

“You would rather have died than face going back, isn't that right?”

“Doesn’t matter what I would rather do.”

“We’re going there tomorrow.”

“I know that, Kurogane.”

“You won't be going alone.” Kurogane stood up from the chair. “Stay there. I’ll get you a towel.”

Fai sighed deeply. Kurogane would learn tomorrow. Fai really hoped Kurogane would kill him. Kurogane _had_ promised, after all.

He rolled over onto his side on the edge of the bed facing the wall. He didn’t want to talk to Kurogane anymore. He wanted to be alone. (Lies lies lies lies lies)

Suddenly he felt guilty about the gashes he had rent across Kurogane’s face. They were deep, and would likely scar. Unless of course Fai drank from them. The cuts Kurogane made in his wrist for Fai to drink from always healed up quickly and cleanly, due to the curative quality of vampire saliva. Not that Fai was too keen on licking Kurogane’s face – just licking up his arm was something far too intimate for Fai’s liking. But then again, what did he have to lose now? He would be dead soon, anyways, and in Hell where he belonged.

He would do it, but only if Kurogane asked.

Kurogane took a few minutes to return, too long just to grab a towel from the bathroom. Fai glanced over his shoulder to see that the man also held a plate and two bottles of liquor. Kurogane was relentless, and Fai had always used that relentlessness as an excuse to allow himself to get close. He had always been weak. And he still was. He had no intention of making Kurogane leave. He was born a fool, and he would die one, if indeed the universe had enough mercy to allow him the relief of death.

Kurogane unfolded the towel. “Sit up.”

Fai did. (It always felt better when he didn’t fight.)

“Dry your hair. You don’t need a damn cold.”

“That’s just an old wives’ tale,” Fai replied vacantly, but obeyed nevertheless. “Besides, I don’t believe I’m susceptible to colds any longer.”

“Shut up.” Kurogane plopped down on the bed beside him, cracking the top off one of the bottles and taking a long gulp. “You never drink with me anymore.”

“I drink _from_ you. Is that not enough?”

“It’s not.”

Fai had nothing to say to that.

“I know the blood is driving you crazy. I shouldn’t have let you go for two days without it. Drink.”

“Liquor or blood?” Fai breathed, because he didn’t feel like he was being difficult enough.

“Blood first. Get what’s on my face before it dries up.”

“I’m sorry,” Fai muttered without meaning to, picking at the loosely woven threads of the towel.

“If you’re sorry, then drink so they’ll close up.”

Fai didn’t move. (When in doubt, do nothing.)

Kurogane rubbed a finger into one of the wounds that Fai was trying so hard to ignore, before unceremoniously shoving it between Fai’s lips.

His taste buds immediately lit up into overdrive as he moaned and sucked the finger further into his mouth. It tasted _so good_ and knowing that there was more of it rushing through that finger made him bite down on instinct, too overloading with **_hunger_** to worry about shedding any more blood that he already had today. Kurogane pulled his finger out of Fai’s mouth, grabbing the vampire by the collar of his shirt and pulling their faces together. Fai crawled on top of Kurogane in primal delirium, pinning his prey down into the mattress possessively. He whimpered in need as he set to lapping at Kurogane’s face with abandon, single eye rolling back into his head in an overload of ecstasy _and that was Kurogane’s hand in the small of his back_.

By the time the gashes had ceased bleeding, a matter of a few minutes, the vampiric state had calmed down somewhat, Fai settling with licking away the streaks of blood that had dried down Kurogane’s jaw and neck.

He gradually came back to his senses by realizing that he was practically purring into Kurogane’s shoulder.

Worse was the realization that he had been rutting on Kurogane like some kind of wild animal, his crotch sticky and wet.

Fai scrambled off, his face burning in shame and self-hatred. “Shit, I –” he choked, feeling sick at the sight of his semen contrasting sharply with Kurogane’s black pants.

Vampires were carnal creatures. Drinking Kurogane’s blood wasn’t just euphoric – it was orgasmic. Countless times he had stalked off after a feeding to jerk himself off, surrendering to his arousal only because it refused to go away until he did.

But the longer he went without drinking, the more his control waned. He had done this once before while feeding. It was in the earlier days of their journey after Tokyo, when Fai still adamantly refused to drink. He was weak and practically deranged with hunger, and Kurogane had easily overpowered him. Fai had flown into a delirious frenzy even more vigorous than today’s (Kurogane was wise to have chosen a time when the others were out.), but then he had been fully dressed, and Kurogane was hovering over him. Fai had been surprised that Kurogane didn’t show disgust at Fai’s animal behavior, but surely he would have done so if he had noticed anything else.

Now it was very, very noticeable.

The old, foolish Fai wanted to cry with shame and fear that Kurogane would hate him. The _new_ , foolish Fai wanted to hope for Kurogane’s hatred and disgust.

Neither of them dared to look at the warrior’s face.

“It’s my fault.”

Fai blinked in surprise at such a casual tone.

“Stop looking like I’m going to hit you, damn it. It’s not like you could help it.”

“I…” Fai wringed his hands, gulping. “I…”

“Like I said earlier, I shouldn’t have let you go as long as you did without drinking. You lost control because of how hungry you were; I know it must hurt.” Kurogane took the towel and wiped his pants clean, rolling it up and dropping it on the floor.

“W-what hurts?” Fai stammered, just because he felt like he needed to say _something._

“The hunger. It’s written all over your face.” Kurogane looked away, a darkness passing over his face. “Takes all you have in you to control it.”

It was obvious from the way he spoke that Kurogane was speaking from experience. He knew what it was like to fight against oneself for control. Kurogane’s kindness really hurt, and Fai loved him for it. He could never forgive himself for falling in love with Kurogane. He could never forgive himself for not being a better liar, not being able to convince himself that Kurogane was nothing but another pawn that was to be used and discarded once he got in the way.

“I’m sorry,” Fai whispered. It was all he really could say.

“Why are you sorry? It was just… It wasn’t like you hurt me or anything.”

“I don’t know, I kind of just _sexually assaulted you_ , Kurogane.”

He huffed. “I’m a consenting adult.”

Fai bit at his bottom lip. “That’s a bad joke.”

“Fai, listen,” Kurogane sighed. As far as Fai knew, that was the first time that name had ever escaped from the warrior’s lips. “I just wanted…” He ran a hand through his hair. “I just wanted you to realize that you could be happy.”

It took all the control Fai had not to bawl. For Kurogane to say such a thing…

**_ It might have meant the world to him had it been true. _ **

“Whatever you have waiting for you in that world of yours,” Kurogane continued when Fai did not respond, “I’ll see to whatever you’re not able to.”

Fai shook his head, a pathetic little sound escaping from his throat that was some unsure cross between a scoff and a sob.

“Tomorrow…” Kurogane breathed ruggedly, as if to himself. “Tomorrow.” He grabbed the other bottle from where it sat on the nightstand. “Drink with me.”

Fai allowed himself to relax slightly, leaning back against the headboard to sit parallel with Kurogane. He owed the both of them this, at least, because the end was near. (Or maybe that mindset was just convenient for what he wanted in the moment. He was terrified, so much that any doubts and shames were rendered numb and distant, and he _did not want to be alone._ )

Fai took the bottle to find that it had already been opened. He looked at Kurogane curiously.

“I put something in it to help you relax.”

“I don’t… I don’t need drugs.”

“You need rest.” Kurogane sat the plate between them. Two sandwiches sat on it. “Eat, too. Those two said that those turned into vampires still need to eat regular food.”

Fai took a swig of his drink, relishing the burn of potent alcohol, before wedging it between his knees and picking up one of the sandwiches. “You’re going to _eat_ after all that?” he asked, feeling a hint of incredulity. “Didn’t that at least nauseate you?”

“Why would it?” Again, the casual attitude he held about it was strange, and Kurogane wasn’t one who ever faked an attitude. “Look, I can see how you’re ashamed about it. But it… it really doesn’t bother me.”

Fai raised his eyebrows, trying his best at being casual, too. (A compulsive fake, the complete opposite of the man sitting here beside him) “Well.”

“Just…” Kurogane sighed, his face looking like desperation and regret, and seeing it hurt so much because it was _all Fai’s fault._

Fai shrugged. “We can leave it at that, then. Bread’s stale.”

“Can't be helped. Not much food left.”

“Can't be helped…”

They drank in silence after that, the dread of the near future beginning to feel less and less real, because… Kurogane was here, _right here_ , and Kurogane said he could be _happy_ , and Fai would gladly stay in this moment of time _forever_ …

Fai wasn’t that good of a liar. This was nothing but an act of sentimentality.

Kurogane took the empty bottle from Fai’s hand. “Now sleep.”

Fai froze. The moment was over. Maybe it never really existed to begin with.

“I’ll knock you out if you don’t lie down.”

He exhaled, nodding softly to himself. There was no reason to fight.

When Kurogane lied down beside him, Fai asked, “Don’t you have your own bed?”

“I’ll leave if you ask me to.”

Fai said nothing. He was weak and selfish and unwilling to fight, _and he did not want to be alone._

He thought again of Sakura-chan. In a way that perhaps only Fai could understand, she and Kurogane were very alike.

They made Fai feel _wanted_ , made him feel as if he were _important._

And Sakura-chan had asked him to promise her something, hadn't she? She had asked him to promise her that from now own the thing he valued most would be himself.

It was yet another promise that he could not fulfill. But he felt he had to _try_ , just as he had to try for his brother.

(He didn’t know where to begin. He couldn’t imagine anything of less value than _himself_.)

The icy dread of a frozen Hell was close upon him. So, just for now, he allowed himself to draw comfort from the warmth radiating from the beloved life beside him. After all, it was nothing but a mere moment in the unending web of time.

**Author's Note:**

> So, again, I hope you enjoyed this fic as much as I did writing it! I’d really appreciate feedback, it’s very helpful!  
> This is really the most sexually charged thing I’ve ever personally written. While it was meant to be more disturbing than hot, I just really hope it wasn’t cheesy… I’m not a good judge at all of my own writing when it comes to something like that, so I would be happy to hear your thoughts on that or anything else about this fic.  
> Bye for now!


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